Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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