Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
