there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
