So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
