I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
