i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
