there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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