woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
