this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
