I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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