K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
