A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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