our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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