My liver just broke up with me...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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