My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
