your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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