Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
