just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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