I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
