3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
