farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
