haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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