please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
