I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
