My girlfriend figured out who you are.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
