I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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