I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
