I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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