the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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