Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
