lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
