My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
