Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
