What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize