I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
