is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
