I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
