if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize