I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
