Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
