Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
