Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
