So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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