great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
