Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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