I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
