the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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