in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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