i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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