Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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